Great post. I appreciate clear conscious writing that is filled with great content.

I’ll add this idea. It’s a bit off topic but I think it relates. Frequently, negative reactions are more about tone or body language. We may say the right thing but a raised eyebrow or questioning tone adds stress to a relationship.

Recently I wrote “De-motivation” I think your readers may enjoy both the post and the useful comments. They’ll help us all work better in teams.
http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/2010/06/04/de-motivation/

You have my Regards,

Dan

One time, someone that has a big corporate title, said something like this to me “You shouldn’t feel that way”. I have to admit, I got upset when I heard this, because I find this as an act of disrespect. No one have the right to tell people or suggest to an individual on how they feel. Human beings are sole proprietorship of our feelings (we are the only ones aware or not, in control or not, of our own feeling/emotions). No one, absolutely no one, have the right or authority to tell you how to feel. Feelings and emotions are all connected with our spirit.

I can assure you that I do not go on telling people how to feel .

Nice post. Keep ‘em coming.

Best to you,
Kate

1. “Why don’t you…” or it’s cousin “Why didn’t you…”. As you have pointed out above, passive-aggressive language like this skates along the surface of civilized interaction, but cuts deeply and hinders team trust. In my experience, saying “Why don’t you… do it this way, try that, approach it such and such a way” is a direct challenge to the person’s intellect or judgement, implying that the person hasn’t thought a thing through, or has considered and rejected the “right” approach. “Why don’t you…” is a hot button with me, I work hard to never express skepticism or disagreement this way. Instead, I’ll try to say something like “Have you considered X?” or “Where did X come out as you were evaluating different options?” It acknowledges a teammate’s work up to that point, and their competence to have gotten to the point they have in the project. If the teammate hasn’t been diligent about thinking the issue through, this will raise useful topics for consideration without stomping on the teammate’s self respect and possibly damaging the team’s dynamics over the longer term.

2. “Yes, but…” I learned an important semantic lesson years ago when I first began my career: the word “But” almost always negates all that came before it. “Your report is really great, but it doesn’t cover X.” If X is important, then the report isn’t really great, is it? If X isn’t important, you’ve just trashed your colleague’s work capriciously. I make an effort to use “and” in many cases where “but” is commonly used. “Your report is a good start, and it will be even more useful when you add a section on X.”

How we speak to each other has enormous impacts on group dynamics, and the kind of mindfulness you bring up in this post can be exceptionally powerful in improving the health and longevity of strong teams.

Cheers, and happy Thursday!

Pattie

In reply to your question about #4 “I’m sorry you feel that way …” in customer service — it is an abomination. It is rude in teamwork and in customer service it is patronizing, non action-oriented, and insulting of a company’s most valuable resource/asset — the customer. I do not teach it in any of my customer service programs and do not believe it is premier training in any way. It is truly misguided.

I do not understand why any customer service training would teach that you shouldn’t verbalize an apology. Nonetheless if a company doesn’t want their CSRs to apologize, the customer’s emotion should at least be acknowledged instead of patronized. I recommend “Clearly we have upset you and we will work to resolve it.” Of course, you first let the customer vent. Too many leaders believe that CSRs should “contain” the customer’s anger. Customers are adults spending their money. Trying to jump in during the emotion and contain with “I’m sorry you feel that way ….” is the equivalent of telling the customer that their emotion is not acceptable.

Many thanks again Yun-Mei for visiting this blog and both asking a question and contributing a new phrase to bury!
Warmest wishes,
Kate

Also – I would like to suggest another phrase to be buried is: “Well, let me ask you this….” I’ve recently seen this phrase in use SO many times, and the user usually uses this phrase as a way to start a fight.