Soft Skills

Modern People-Skills Reminders for Social Media Greatness

Social media, especially Facebook and Twitter, give us many opportunities to express our opinions to strangers. This often creates first and lasting impressions on people who have never met us.

Many would like to believe that authenticity — at any length — wins the day. This wishful thinking overlooks that people react differently to those they know versus those they don’t.

Relationships and the trust they build give interpersonal context to what is said.

Without those preexisting relationships, raw authenticity can come across as rude, self-absorbed, boorish, rigid, disagreeable, and even bullying.

Modern People-Skills Reminders to Interact w/Strangers on Social Media. Image by:ell brown




Traditional civility added to modern day social networking delivers greatness to social media presence.


Modern People-Skills Reminders for Social Media Greatness

These tweaks create and preserve a positive impression with authenticity.

  1. If it sounds like an order, it can turn people off. When we add the word please, it becomes a request.


  2. If a connection’s general behavior is a bother, we have the choice to unfollow/unfriend them. This may be a better choice than issuing them an order that everyone sees. One Twitter connection tweeted me, Stop tweeting quotes about … Everyone can see his tweet. What impression of him do you think it leaves?


  3. Many people see sarcasm as a form of anger. The less they know us, the greater the chance when it’s directed at them. Perhaps this old rule applies well: If we can’t say something in a positive way, don’t say anything at all.


  4. Questioning people’s motives — even with formality — can sound accusatory. “May I inquire as to why you are doing this?” sets a condescending tone requesting justification. Although analytic personalities find special comfort in knowing why, non-analytics see it differently.

    If we like what someone is doing on social media and want to understand the value of it, then best for us to say exactly that. State the positive and it will be seen as positive.


  5. Stating opinion as fact can leave a negative impression; stating opinion as opinion can invite a healthy positive exchange of opinions!


  6. We leave a positive impression by owning our own feelings instead of assigning them to others. Statements like, “You are trying to discredit my opinion” can come across as insecure and childish. I like what Eleanor Roosevelt said: “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”


  7. People see listening and discussing as a positive sign of openness and strength. Arguing, bashing, and condemning can leave scars on our image and those bashed.



Civility provides a cushion of respect that eases hearing and acceptance of an authentic honest message. Bluntness lacks that civility and creates emotion that blunts listening and comprehension.

I vote for civility. It doesn’t undo authenticity. It allows others to see it.

What’s your vote?

From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


“Words can woo or wound; create bonds, not scars.”

Related Post:
Honesty May Hurt but Blunt Burns Forever

7 Steps From Brutally Blunt to Helpfully Honest

©2012 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers coaching, consulting, training, and keynotes on leading change, customer service, customer experience, and teamwork. She turns interaction obstacles into business success. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.

Do Brilliant Minds Breed Bad Teamwork?

Brilliant Minds & Teamwork Image by:Chechi Pe


A call came in from the Human Resources Director of a large prestigious law firm. The challenge?

Build more respect and teamwork between the most brilliant legal minds in the law practice and the support staff.

And not just any brilliant minds. These were the elite attorneys in cutting edge and high powered niches, all with double (some triple) degrees.

Support staff felt demoralized. Some had left. Turnover was on the rise. The HR director quipped in exasperation:


Do brilliant minds breed bad teamwork?!



Certainly everyone deserves to be treated with respect. HR and the attorney relations department addressed the few cases of actual verbal abuse. Yet the HR director wanted better daily interactions, teamwork, and morale throughout the organization.

She gave me examples of the interaction between the super educated brilliant attorneys and the support staff. I also spoke with support staff.

There was good news. The hurdles were from different levels of drive for achievement — not from a deeply rooted disrespect for support staff.

Now for the solution. The HR director noted that access to the attorneys’ time was very limited. So we first held workshops with the support staff to rebuild morale and build skill in supporting high achievers.

It was remarkable to see the support staff zealously embrace these basic beliefs of brilliant minds:

  1. Commitment turns intelligence into brilliance. “I am always learning — please do the same.”
  2. Facilitate and sustain my achievement or get out of the way.
  3. The organization expects me to hit the high bar. Please jump higher with me!
  4. Shine at what you do so I can continue to shine at what I do.
  5. Come at me with solutions to problems — not just the problem! Otherwise, get out of the way.



Support staff remarked that this picture was one of continuous striving and learning not a desire to demean. They had never perceived it that way.

From this awareness, we re-mapped how to speak and behave in support of these high achievers.

Some say it is unfair to ask the support staff to learn new support skills instead of asking high achieving attorneys to change their ways.

Yet, high achieving revenue producing professionals respond, “If you ask me to put the feelings of teamwork ahead of results, the organization will achieve less. Why can’t we all step it up and achieve more?”

Success lies in both. Put limits on the demeaning behaviors, like verbal abuse, and train support staff, as we did, to work from the high achiever’s view. It transformed attitudes, performance, respect, and teamwork!

So to answer the initial question — Do brilliant minds breed bad teamwork? No. A difference in expectations, drive, and goals, does.


From professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please first email info@katenasser.com for terms of use. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers coaching, consulting, training, and keynotes on customer service, customer experience, teamwork, and leading change. She turns interaction obstacles into business success. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.

People-Skills: The E of Email Does Not Mean Emotion

Email is still alive and well. How about the people who received your last email? Was the email clear, concise, and respectful? Or did emotion creep in and rile the issue and people’s sensibilities?

As I teach people skills to corporate teams, they continue to raise one persistent issue – how best to respond to negative emails. Without a doubt, we can diffuse a negative email more effectively through true conversation than through another email.

Beyond that, take steps to ensure that the email we write is not negative — lest we start or feed an e-war!

People-Skills: The E in Email Doesn't Stand for Emotion!



Let us never forget that …

The E of Email Does Not Mean Emotion



Wouldn’t we feel silly saying to a teammate or customer, I will send you an “emotion mail” later today. Yet workplace colleagues write them!

A recent emotion mail sent to me by an online colleague (not a customer) serves up some great lessons. Here’s the original emotion mail and an alternate approach.

Hi Kate,
I find your blog posts to be consistently well-written and valuable. They nicely reflect my own sentiments towards customers too. It’s my hope that by sharing links to them on Twitter and other SM platforms, readers benefit from the insightful material and you benefit from the exposure you clearly deserve.

After reading your most recent post – which I was about to post on Twitter – I noticed this in the footer: “If you want to re-post or republish this post …”. If it were anyone else I would have immediately decided that I don’t have time to address the ambiguity and never post anything from them again.

However, in this case, I’m assuming that I may be misreading your intent. Please clarify: is your statement intended to dissuade people from posting links to your material on Social Media platforms?

The emotion about addressing the amibguity and never posting anything from them again minimizes the compliments of the opening paragraph.

If we were to send this type of email to a teammate or a customer, it could put the relationship at risk.

What if the email were written like this:

Hi Kate,
I noticed the footer on your blog post “If you want to re-post or republish …”. Wasn’t sure what it meant. Is it OK to put the links to your blog posts on Twitter without permission each time? I find your blog posts valuable and love to share them. Let me know! Many thanks…”

Which version of the email would you rather receive — the original or the alternate approach?


4 Tips to Turn Emotion Mails into Positive Emails

  1. Know our purpose for sending the email. In the original emotion mail above, what is the purpose? To clarify the meaning of the footer? or to vent frustration about being confused? If we admit the true purpose to ourselves, we can choose not to send the negative email and send a positive one instead.


  2. Simple and clear beats wordy and emotional. People get scads of emails. We increase the chances that people will read email by keeping it simple and politely getting to the point. The best part of emotion to use in an email is emotional intelligence (EI).


  3. The more emotion we use at someone, the harder it is to effect a change. If we want a teammate to change some behavior, using emotion at them can make it tougher for them to do just that — even if they agree with our requested change! Let them change while saving face. Less is more in this case.


  4. Formal sometimes seems rude. Surprised to read this? When we have something negative to say, couching it in formal language doesn’t make it positive. It sounds like formal negativity and can seem rude to others.

    If we have something negative to say to a teammate, best to communicate what we want instead of what we don’t want. State how we want to be treated instead of how we don’t want to be treated. Use I statements instead of you statements. This avoids accusations and still communicates honestly, clearly, and respectfully — in a positive manner.



My advice to corporate teams: “We shine in people-skills when we communicate positively not negatively and forward not back.”

It’s critical in delivering customer service and truly appreciated in teamwork.


What other tips will you offer here to turn emotion mails into positive emails?


From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this blog post in part or in whole, please email info@katenasser.com for terms of use. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes on the ultimate customer service experience, teamwork, and leading change. Kate turns interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshop outlines and customer results.

The 12 Most Desired Yet Unrequested Forms of Care

Have people at work or home ever told you that you are so caring? That you always know how to make them feel better? Those who get this positive feedback understand one thing – people define caring differently.

If you hear the reverse — that you don’t seem very caring when they feel bad — you may want to scream out, “Tell me what you want. I’m not a mind reader!”

When people are lonely, upset, demoralized, angry, or hurt, they want care. Yet what type? Most care is desired yet unrequested and confusion sets in for those around them.

12 Most Desired Unrequested Forms of Care Image by:unloveablesteve

Fear not. I am hear to clear up the confusion. As The People-Skills Coach™, I teach corporate teams how to interact more successfully during tough times. They tell me that they use the information in their everyday lives as well.

From this encouragement, came the idea for this post — the 12 most desired yet unrequested forms of care. With this information, you can increase your emotional intelligence and connect better with others when they are feeling bad.

1.Quiet Listening.

If you have ever given your opinion to upset team members or loved ones and they snapped at you, you have learned that quiet listening is their unrequested desire. Their questions are not questions and they feel better just knowing that someone else has heard their pain.

2.Empathy.

One of the most common desires for care is empathy — the sense that someone else truly knows how they feel. Empathy gives those in pain a needed boost to work through their struggle.

3.Validation.

These people want to know you agree with them. Quiet listening falls far short and can enrage those seeking reinforcement of what they feel. If you truly disagree, do not tell them while they are upset. They won’t hear you and you will seem like an uncaring fool.

4.Support.

By the time most loved ones say they want support, you have let them down. Those who want support yet don’t request it up front, are requesting in their actions when they support you. Many of them find it distasteful to have to ask for it verbally. They believe their supportive actions speak volumes and they don’t understand why you haven’t heard them. Listen to their actions when they help you and follow suit when they are in pain.

5.Encouragement.

Friends turn to other friends when they want encouragement — especially if their family has not learned to encourage even when they have doubts. When they want to ditch the conventional and try something new, they want you to encourage them beyond the fear and doubt.

6.Devil’s Advocate or Tough Love.

Be careful of this one. Ask permission first.
A Short Story: A college friend and I are quite different when it comes to dating. She is more willing to give men the benefit of the doubt. She had been through two relationships where men treated her badly and both ended in break-ups. On the third time around in a bad relationship, she asked me what she should do. Surprised that she would ask me, I said to her “Are you sure you want my opinion?” She replied with an odd chuckle: “Yes, I am asking you because I know you’ll tell me to drop the bum.”

7.Knowledge.

There are people who find knowledge a great comfort. They don’t want your opinion they want your knowledge. Perhaps you have been through a similar situation and they want to hear options they haven’t considered. Perhaps you have professional training they want to tap. Give them your knowledge not your advice.

8.Insight.

Team members and friends that want insight will show both vulnerability and strength. They are starting to move beyond the pain and want you to help them to think it through. They want more than knowledge and less than a solution. A combination of “maybe statements” and questions are the dynamic duo here.

9.Solutions.

Are you jumping for joy now that we have reached this one? Many people, when they hear others’ pain want to offer a solution. They convince themselves that it is logical. The sooner the solution, the quicker the pain goes away. Unfortunately, to someone not ready for a solution –the “get over it quick” approach seems brutishly insensitive. Go back to empathy and validation before you offer a solution.

10.Strength.

When loved ones are scared and in pain, strength may be the greatest care possible. Strength reduces the fear. It gives them a sense of control and empowers them to deal with the pain. Offer your strength without judging. Judging makes them feel weaker. Strength makes them feel stronger.

11.Momentum.

If you are known as action-oriented, colleagues and friends may come to you to help them move forward. This may be the toughest form of unrequested care to give. It takes practice to spot how fast they are ready to move. You may trip if you push them to quickly. Yet you won’t crash and burn if you are not judgmental. Admit your misstep — don’t tell them they are dragging their heals.

12.Outrage.

Perhaps the easiest to see is the desire for outrage. When loved one or friends express their outrage over being wronged, it is a safe bet that eventually they want to hear “You deserve to be treated better.” You don’t have to bad mouth whoever wronged them just show outrage over what was done to them.



Of these 12 desired yet unrequested forms of care, which one do you most often want? If your answer is “it depends”, then you understand why others have varying needs. If you always want the same thing, remember that not everyone is like you.

The biggest mistake you can make is to treat others they way you want to be treated. You must treat them the way they want to be treated.

If you care enough to learn how to care their way, you will succeed. Learn from one instance to the next how to give your professional colleagues, friends and loved ones the care they desire yet don’t always request.


From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Related post: 5 Best Emotionally Intelligent Customer Service Thoughts

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, inspires and trains corporate teams, customer care professionals, call center agents, and technical support teams in the greatest people-skills and emotional intelligence for customer service and teamwork. She combines her natural intuition about people (her human GPS), a Masters degree in Organizational Psychology, and 20 years of gritty real life experience to develop your emotional intelligence.

Bluntness Bombs Out for 5 Smart Logical Reasons

As The People-Skills Coach™, I have written before on steps from brutally blunt to helpfully honest. Yet for those who are inspired by logic to change behavior, it bears listing the smart logical reasons why bluntness bombs out.

Bluntness Bombs Out for 5 Smart Logical Reasons Image by:Rupert Brun



5 Smart Logical Reasons Blunt Bombs Out

  1. No Warm-Up. Picture your bluntness as very cold water. If we push someone into a cold swimming pool, they remember the shock. If we let them wade in, they adjust to the temperature and can function. Thus if we want people to function and use our message, we shouldn’t shock them with bluntness.


  2. Punching Dulls the Brain. Punching bags are not known for their performance. They hang and swing. If we are being blunt to effect a change, those we verbally punch may swing away from us yet they are not likely to understand or change behavior.


  3. Bluntness builds barriers. Communication is for connection. Bluntness can create a busy signal — a barrier — between communicator and listener. If someone isn’t listening, your message bombs out.


  4. Bluntness undermines respect and credibility. The strength of the message is weakened by the rudeness of the approach. Who is going to respect and believe the message delivered by a blunt creton?


  5. Bluntness breaks bonds. Unless we each live as hermits, we interact with people to survive and thrive. Many times the same people more than once. Bluntness may get our words out but bombs out by breaking the bonds with those around us. It may even create vengeful feelings and instigate a war (verbal or hidden).



Many people resort to bluntness, out of frustration, when diplomatic honesty hasn’t worked. Others simply lose patience with those of less intelligence.

Yet when we reach the end of the rope, why cut it with bluntness? Unless we need to use bluntness to save a life or prevent death, hold on to the rope!

Take a moment and tap intellect, logic, and smarts to find a way to communicate with honesty and respect.

From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


Related Post: Leadership & Teamwork: Honesty May Hurt But Blunt Burns Forever

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes on customer service, teamwork, and leading change. She turns interaction obstacles into business success in tough times of change. See this site for workshop outlines and customer results.

Emotional Intelligence Starts as Invitation for a Response

Do you think that emotional intelligence is hard to learn? The ability to understand how people want to be treated is something you can develop — if you know where to start.

Emotional intelligence doesn’t start with a list of clues. It doesn’t start with psychic strength.

Emotional intelligence starts

as an invitation that waits for a response.

 

Emotional Intelligence Starts with Invitation for Response Image via: Istock

The heart of emotional intelligence is showing smeone that you honor their choice for interaction even if you don’t know how they want to be treated.  It’s like extending an invitation for a connection and waiting for a response instead of ordering someone to interact with you.

When you honor their choice and consent on how to be treated, you will be seen as having some emotional intelligence.  Why? Because it shows …

  1. You are thinking of them not just yourself or your goal.
  2. You understand that human differences exist and impact results.
  3. You will listen to both your desires and their needs.
  4. You see value in balancing interests to reach a common outcome.
  5. You know that a person’s needs can vary daily depending on stress level, goal, etc…
  6. You believe they are worth the effort to adapt – in other words, they matter!

And there’s more good news even if you are not highly intuitive.  You can honor differences and display some emotional intelligence simply by posing a question instead of making a statement.

For example, in a doctor’s office the nurse can say either: “Please get on the scale.” or “Will you step on the scale please?” The first is a statement that does not invite interaction. The second is a question that honors choice and asks for consent. The bonus is the nurse will start to learn how the customer wants to be treated through response.

Now for the caution. Here are obstacles to your great start in emotional intelligence:

  1. The need to be in full control.  You are likely to bark orders vs. invite interaction.
  2. The fear you will appear weak.  You are likely to sacrifice connection to protect your image of strength.
  3. You just don’t care. One person told me he chose not to because it was just too much trouble.

Emotional intelligence is a sign of maturity and greatly valued in today’s global business setting.  The choice is yours. If you honor others’ choices you will earn their respect and achieve more than you can by yourself.

 

What else would you add to this list of obstacles to emotional intelligence?

What has helped you develop EI?

 

From my professional experience to your success,

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes on customer service, teamwork, and interpersonal success in business. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.
 

Do You Hear Urgency Before the Yell?

As The People-Skills Coach™ , I often teach others how to deal with people’s anger in the workplace. Does your boss yell sometimes? Has a team member suddenly become edgy with you? Has a customer surprised you with a yell?

Find the Urgency Before the Yell Image: Istock.


If you prefer that everyone calmly communicate and never yell, you need this professional people-skill to find nirvana:

Hear the urgency before the yell.

Quite often when the boss, a teammate, or a customer yells, you have missed the urgency they were communicating before the yell.

Common leadership and teamwork beliefs encourage open honest communication without anger or yelling. Yet this requires something of both the speaker and the listener.

In the face of urgency and a listener who doesn’t hear it, it is likely someone will resort to a yell. I am not speaking about people who yell all the time. I am referring to people who suddenly yell after calmly communicating.


Do You Hear Urgency in Their Calm — Before the Yell?
If not, here are 5 ways to spot urgency and develop this professional listening skill.

  1. Find urgency in the bigger picture. I was teaching a public class. The banquet room was to be setup by 7:30am so I could prepare before greeting the students. I walked in to see a room configured incorrectly and no flip charts. I calmly spoke with the hotel rep about the timeframe and ten minutes later — no change. I then said, “Fix this now!”. He quipped, “that’s good, you woke me up” and quickly fixed the problem. To him, my initial calm voice meant it wasn’t urgent. Had he looked at the bigger picture of my needing to get ready before people arrived, he would have heard the urgency in the calm.


  2. Find urgency in the need to be acknowledged. Urgency is not always a deadline for action. Often people’s urgency resides in their need to be heard. Paraphrase (not parrot) what they have said. Tell them that you hear what they are saying. This simple technique prevents the yell.


  3. Hear urgency in repetition. When they calmly say the same thing twice, hear their urgency and acknowledge it — before the yell.


  4. Urgency lives in their lack of knowledge. Your expertise blinds you to their urgency. As they speak and your knowledge is calmly telling you “no problem”, speak up. Communicate solutions. Else get ready for a yell.


  5. Hear urgency in the painful past or impending future. Many times people’s urgency comes from previous negative experiences that caused them pain or something they are anticipating. Ask great questions while people are calm to uncover their concerns — before the yell.



Bonus Tip: The more you know about people, the easier it is to prevent the yell. You learn their pet peeves, their personality types, their fears and goals, their frustrations, and how best to respond before the yell.

If you believe that people-skills and relationships are fluff, don’t expect to reach the nirvana of calm communication. It comes from knowing people!

What makes you want to yell?

What have surprising yells taught you that you can share with all of us here at Smart SenseAbilities™?

From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™™


Related Post: Why Executives Get Impatient With You

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results.

7 Steps from Brutally Blunt to Helpfully Honest

In my last people-skills post, I wrote that honesty may hurt for a bit but blunt burns forever.

One reader asked me for specific steps to go from blunt to honest for better work relationships. Here they are — from my professional experience to your success.


People-Skills:7 Steps from Brutally Blunt to Helpfully Honest

Image by: Nomadic Lass Creative Commons License


7 Steps From Brutally Blunt to Helpfully Honest

When you are done speaking, do you want others to look and feel like the little blunt above? Or do you want them to see you that way? If not …

#1 Honor people as well as your purpose and message.

    Much of the brutal bluntness comes from focusing only on the message you want to deliver. Oddly enough, it makes the message less clear because the emotion blocks the other person’s listening.

    Before speaking, ask yourself what impact your words will have on people. Honesty without honoring the human comes out blunt.



#2 Openness to other possibilities makes you less blunt.

    What you say is rarely an absolute fact. There is perspective, conditions, opinions, and the possibility to change. When you live this openness, you are more likely to have a honest dialogue with someone instead of a blunt monologue.



#3 Never start a sentence with the word “you” in difficult situations.

    Imagine saying, “You aren’t doing your job” or “You are failing badly.” Starting with “you” sets the hearing up for a blunt attack and a defensive reply.

    Saying “Here is what we are expecting from you and this is what you are doing. We need these changes …”. Now the person can hear your message and has specifics on what to change.



#4 Emotion (negative) will come out as brutally blunt.

    Say out loud, “Let me put aside my emotion for a moment” and then speak. It shows the other person you want to speak honestly without insulting them. If some of it comes out blunt, at least they will know you are trying.

    However, do not use this intro as a justification for being blunt. It doesn’t work. You must be truly trying to honor with honesty.



#5 Sense of proportion reduces the brutality.

    Brutally blunt, by definition, is the extreme outpost of communication. Ask yourself, why must you use this extreme and risk inflicting scars? What words, with better proportion, can clearly communicate your message?



#6 Timing and tone of voice transform results.

    When some people read the word “timing”, they assume delay. Although you might choose to delay speaking, there are times you can’t. Yet timing also means the pace of your speech.

    The faster you speak in tough moments, the more brutal it sounds. Meanwhile, speaking too slowly or softly risks sounding patronizing.

    Using a normal even pace of speech communicates honesty and avoids the brutality.



#7 Yes. Thinking “agreement” makes you less blunt.

    Insults rarely produce a yes. Helpful does. Replace negative emotion with positive desire – what you want vs. what you don’t want – and then speak.

    Even if agreement is not your goal, think “yes” and your words will be more helpfully honest and less brutally blunt.

Respect is the cushion. It allows you to honor with honesty instead of bullying with bluntness. When disagreeing strongly, state your perspective with “I respectfully disagree.”

Some claim that there are people with whom you must be brutally blunt else they don’t understand. I have met some where subtlety didn’t work. I was more direct not brutally blunt. I still honored with honesty.

Others think they are speaking honestly yet are quite blunt. They inflict scars that block productive relationships and singe success.

The 7 steps above will block the bluntness and give you honest words for success in any situation.


What would you add to this list to save yourself and others from being blunt?

Respectfully and successfully yours,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results.

Leadership & Teamwork: Honesty Hurts but Blunt Burns Forever

Civility has slipped in the business world. 43% of Americans report incivility in the workplace and it’s clear that bluntness is rampant online.

Those that are blunt claim that it isn’t wrong — it’s honest and authentic. Not true. Blunt is a choice of delivery with serious consequences.


Leadership & Teamwork: Honesty Hurts but Blunt Burns Forever Image by:Howard Dickins

One scientist told me that they sacrifice civility to ensure good science. Yet I have witnessed many serious scientists posing tough honest questions while treating each other with respect.

What’s the difference?

Honesty may hurt for a bit but blunt burns forever!


The impact on leadership and teamwork.

Leaders and teams soar with respectful honesty.

    They labor hard under the burn of bluntness.

Honest respectful feedback breaks invisible barriers. It fuels totally unforeseen greatness.
    Blunt criticism leaves an emotional scar that tamps the desire to take a chance or fuels the desire to react in kind. Both of these reactions sidetrack greatness.
Honesty opens the door of leadership and teamwork to discussion, sharing, and growth.

    Bluntness slams it shut.


Honesty is more powerful than blunt communication. Honesty is served on a cushion of respect that eases hearing and acceptance.

Without the emotion of bluntness, honesty can be heard purely for its message.

Leadership, teamwork, and career success take on new dimensions when honesty is given and received. Bluntness has no such power.

Which will you choose?


From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results.

Universal Customer Pleas: Drop This, Keep That — Please!

There are universal customer complaints that echo through time. They paint a picture of the human need to be understood and helped.

Whether you have been delivering customer service for decades or are part of the new generation, join the movement to rid this world of these age old complaints.

Add your #13 to this list of the 12 most universal customer pleas to change customer service.


12 Most Universal Customer Pleas for Better Customer Service




12 Most Universal Customer Pleas

Drop This, Keep That – Please!

  1. Drop the squeeze page as the greeting to your website. We don’t want to be squeezed before we get to know you. Keep the squeezing for later in the date!


  2. Drop the voice response menus that make sense to you not us. Keep the humans – at least they can dialogue!


  3. “There’s nothing I can do. I’ll transfer you.” Drop the first part and keep moving us to those who can help. Telling us you can do nothing is maddening. Connecting us to those in the know is the way to go.


  4. Drop the speech recognition unit that interprets “re-order supplies” as “birth order surprise”. Keep any technology that helps deliver timely accurate service.


  5. Drop the scripted monologue and keep an open mind. When you open with a dialogue, we open our wallets and offer our loyalty.


  6. Drop the confusing coupons – buy two at a single price and get the second at 50% off. Keep us from having to guess what math you use!


  7. If we smile, please return the favor. Drop your straight face and keep smiling.

  8. Drop the slow refund routine else we keep filling your queue with angry calls.


  9. Keep us in the know. When you drop the communication about our problems, we think you are doing nothing.


  10. Drop the prove you wrong attitude. Keep in mind that for every action there is an equal reaction. Every ouch you inflict on us pings back an ouch on your financial success. Every empathetic moment you extend to us earns you our gratitude.


  11. Keep sharing our information among you. With the technology available today, we shouldn’t have to repeat ourselves. If you drop the teamwork, we question your commitment — and competence.


  12. Drop the customer satisfaction survey that has no room for our true feedback. If you want to understand what we expect, let us (customers) design your customer survey! It will keep you very aware of what we truly care about.


What would you add to this list? What timeless universal complaint would you like to drop forever?

Yours in service,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, inspires and trains corporate teams, customer care professionals, call center agents, and technical support teams in the greatest people-skills for customer service. See this site for workshop outlines, customer feedback, and footage to view. Turn interaction obstacles into business success — book Kate now.

Use These 15 Not So Obvious People-Skills

Non-intuitives and many technical professionals tell me that mastering the not so obvious aspects of people-skills (soft skills or interpersonal skills) is a real head scratcher. Where are the people-skills rules?

Scratch your head no more. If you have the desire to connect well with others, you can master and use these 15 not so obvious people-skills so that everything stacks up.

If you’re not sure why it matters, consider that people-skills impact comprehension, influence, and trust. All of that impact what you can achieve with others — the results.



15 People-Skills Must Knows (USA)

15 Not So Obvious People Skills Must Knows

  1. People cannot observe your intentions so they infer them from your words and tone of voice. State your intention to minimize confusion.


  2. Everything you say impacts others emotionally. Even if you stick to the facts, your message leaves a human mark. Consider a doctor telling a patient “You have cancer” and then leaving the room. The lack of empathy inflicts extra pain.


  3. Basic etiquette is a starting point for connection with others. Rules of etiquette are more relaxed today than years ago yet they are still a powerful base to rely on when meeting new people.


  4. Ask people how they feel and/or what they think; don’t tell them “I’m sure you feel”. It shuts out dialogue and seems presumptuous.


  5. Addressing someone by name (or at least surname or title), eases tension and helps communication. In the South, start with sir/ma’am.


  6. A handshake is your silent resume. Make it great. If someone extends their hand to you, give them more than your finger tips. A “finger tip” shake tells the other person no, I don’t like you, I don’t trust you. Shake the hand all the way to the thumb joint, up and down, with eye contact.

  7. Words can woo or wound. To succeed, create bonds with your words and tone of voice — not scars. Speak the truth with tact and caring. Blunt burns forever.


  8. Sarcasm is often misunderstood especially in tough times. With those you don’t know well, skip the sarcasm. Leave it to the late night comics. With those you know well, don’t direct it at them. It is often seen as an attack.


  9. Good questions unearth possibilities for connection, results, and success. Ask open-ended questions to learn; closed-ended to confirm. People who do well with others, ask more open-ended questions than closed and are thus seen as more open than closed.


  10. Use focused words instead of minimizing words. For example, primarily is a focused word whereas just and only are minimizing words. “Are you just concerned about the deadline?” can minimize someone’s perspective and sound dismissive. “Are you primarily concerned about the deadline?” can fuel a valuable discussion. “What are your primary concerns?” is even better because it is open-ended and allows for true perspective.


  11. Great listening is about balance. Too much silence or too much talking can be annoying. The former is also seen as manipulative, the latter as self-absorbed.


  12. Ask permission to give help before offering advice. Else you may come across as intrusive and patronizing.


  13. If someone thinks you have flattered them with your words or actions, don’t tell them you didn’t mean to! This is not the time to give literal details. It’s the time to simply say, you’re welcome.


  14. One “I told you so” sticks forever. Even if you don’t use those words, the message becomes your blatant blemish. People will avoid interacting with you to spare themselves the emotional scourge. Celebrate your foresight silently.


  15. Authenticity and adaptation are not contradictory behaviors. Today’s trend is to be your authentic self. Sure — as long as you adapt to others when interacting. Being yourself without adapting paints you as a boorish nit and earns you the label of selfish and/or self-absorbed.

What will keep you using these 15 people-skills? Desire and results, pure and simple. Lack of desire will inhibit your progress.

As I was teaching one day, a technical professional in the room showed high resistance. At break, I asked him privately if he wanted me to explain anything again or differently. He said no — that he understood. He doesn’t use the people-skills because “it’s just too much trouble! If people want his help, they will adapt to him.” Quite a decision. It will hold him back.

If you are not in a position of leadership yet strive to be, improving your people-skills will be essential. Here’s a related post — Leaders, Develop Your Intuition — to take you beyond the 15 people-skills must knows to even grander connections.


From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, is a former techie (BS Mathematics) turned people-skills guru with a natural intuition about people. Her consultations, workshops, and coaching transform your primarily occupational focus into business success with leading change and great teamwork. From inspiration to action, Kate will help you fill the gaps of diversity with business wins. See this site for workshop info, customer results, and book Kate now.

Leaders, Is Our Knowledge Too Noisy to Listen?

And 6 Tips To Quiet Noisy Knowledge!

Most leaders and teams hope their knowledge and experience will serve them well. We listen to it for guidance during uncertainty. Yet in times of change, is our knowledge too noisy to listen to new ideas?

Leaders, Is Our Knowledge Too Noisy to Listen to Change?




How can knowledge serve us and our teams well if it screams inside when new ideas don’t fit it? Consider that:

    Knowledge and experience are on a list of common listening barriers.


    Interesting recent study results from the University of Pennsylvania suggest people are biased against creative (new) ideas.





So what does it matter?



Key Concerns About Noisy Knowledge

    Is timely innovation in the workplace possible with bias against creative ideas that challenge existing knowledge?

    When knowledge and experience are a buoy during times of change, will people ease their grip on that buoy — early on — to listen and consider creative, innovative ideas?

    What are the risks of allowing noisy knowledge to slow or stop innovation? It happens and often in the shadows.



Quiet Noisy Knowledge With Awareness

  1. Bring the issue into the light with your teams. Start using the phrase “noisy knowledge” as a cue with yourself and anyone in the room who is not listening to new ideas.


  2. Position new ideas as new knowledge. If knowledge is the buoy, you can add more to the buoy instead of letting go of it. New knowledge is the buoy of security for continued success.


  3. Note aloud the emotional reactions to the new ideas. Then put aside the emotion to consider the substance of the ideas. By separating the emotion from the thinking, new ideas have a chance! “My emotional reaction is …, now let me consider the idea.”


  4. Ask yourself and others, how is my/your noisy knowledge impacting others, the business, and success? We are each responsible for the energy we bring to or drain from a workplace, a meeting, or a moment.


  5. Leaders, consider having everyone take a social styles indicator (Amiable, Expressive, Analytic, Driver) so that everyone can own their type and understand how others communicate. Communication styles affect listening!


  6. In advance of any major change initiative, help yourself and team members identify everyone’s change reactions. The KAI (Kirton Adaptive Innovation Inventory) is a great instrument to help each person see how open s/he is to change. Once known, then owned and managed!



The need for comfort and security is understandable. The need for timely change, inevitable. The pathway for both, around the noisy knowledge, is awareness, ownership, and communication.

What else would you add to overcome the barriers to listening to new ideas? What’s your #7 for this list?


With belief in everyone’s change-ability,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results. Lead change with vision, courage, and communication.

Customer Service: Turn Startling Sudden Relationships into Bonds

With 8 People-Skills Steps!

Customer service in most cases is a case of sudden relationship. Often it is a startling sudden relationship in a tough moment. Longer term relationships like account based sales provide advantages that sudden relationships don’t have.

This comparison sheds light on the challenges that customer service reps (CSRs) and technical support analysts face on every contact.

Sudden Relationship of Customer Service Image by:PurpleMattfish

Sudden Relationship Challenges

    • No existing rapport for interaction with
    • Little or no prior knowledge of expectations and
    • No history of results thus
    • Little trust or confidence to smooth the way

    Trust and Openness of Longer Relationships Image by:Liz Smith

    Longer term relationships develop and enjoy:

      • Understanding from observing people’s patterns of behavior with
      • History of results that develop a working comfort building
      • Time-based trust and openness that allow for more candor

Because the startling sudden relationships of customer service lack the longer term bonds of understanding and trust, the CSRs, reps, agents, and technical support analysts must adapt to each customer.

They are developing a relationship, solving a problem, and building trust all at the same time! This is why they cannot candidly say whatever they want. It is too startling to customers.

Instead, the best CSRs and technical support analysts turn sudden relationships into bonds.

Here are the 8 people-skills steps they take:

  1. Greet courteously with the respect of formality and the sincerity of some informality.
  2. Create quick connection by spotting the customer’s personality type and adapting to it.
  3. Capture attention by detecting the customer’s listening style and using it.
  4. Make it easy to communicate by using the customer’s jargon and language.
  5. Close the gap by paraphrasing the customer’s perspective.
  6. Smooth the emotion by caring without taking anger personally.
  7. Show urgency appropriate to the situation.
  8. Deliver help and solutions.



Sudden relationships with customers can turn into bonds of satisfaction, loyalty, and referrals when you make the moment easy, productive, and memorable. Well worth it for the business and truly appreciated — when you are the customer.

Yours in service,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times. See this site for customer service workshop outlines and business results. Fill the gaps in customer service and teamwork with business wins – book Kate now.

Beware Uncommon Views of Common Wisdom

A Story of Blindness from No Assumptions

Beware Uncommon Views of Common Wisdom or Be Blinded

Image by: Auntie P

Years back, at a dinner with research scientists, one asked me to describe some of my engagements so he could better understand my work.  When I mentioned a leadership team needing more effective meeting agendas, communication and collaboration, he quipped:



“Agendas. Wow. That’s something.

Next week you can invent minutes.”




Many laughed. In spite of the barb, I chuckled too — at what this intelligent scientist didn’t know. Common wisdom isn’t always commonly used.

Common wisdom, e.g. use an agenda, is impacted by uncommon views. These views can be unstated and strong.  Overlook the unstated uncommon views and they will live as hidden assumptions that can strangle the organization’s success.

To counteract this, leaders have added “question assumptions” to best practices, quality programs, and effective meeting techniques.  Yet the more common the wisdom, the less likely we are to even think that someone is viewing it differently.



To question assumptions about uncommon views of common wisdom, we must first believe that someone would have an uncommon view!





The research scientist noted above never considered that anyone would question the value of a meeting agenda. He was blinded by his own view. Yet in his daily work, this scientist searches for the unknown and uncommon.


How can we unearth uncommon views and assumptions when our view blinds us to the possibility?


#1 Know Where to Look.
Uncommon views are often found in personality type, previous experience, occupational culture and between generations. On my client’s team, personality type differences were causing the struggle over whether to use an agenda. Some felt empowered by it, others felt constrained.


#2 Know When It Is Likely to Happen.
In settings with many different personality types, experiences, occupational cultures and generations. For example, if technical and non-technical people are interacting, you will find hidden uncommon views. Draw them out and turn silos into success.

In times of great pressure or great change. Although many people get more vocal under pressure, they don’t clarify their assumptions. They express their opinions yet they leave much hidden. Uncover the hidden and move people from pressure to progress.


#3 Spot the Telltale Signs of Hidden Views.
Discussion with no progress. If wheels are spinning, something hidden is holding you back.

Frustration rising for no apparent reason. Find the reason in the hidden assumptions.

Conversations that don’t flow. Ever been in a meeting where you don’t understand how one comment connects to another? Hidden views and assumptions are in full swing. Identify them and watch your meeting results turn from mediocre to meteoric!

Uncommon views of common wisdom can be helpful to you and your organization — as long as you know they are there.

What would you add to this list of how to discover hidden assumptions? What have you discovered?

Here’s to clearer vision and success!

From myh professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach, delivers coaching, workshops, keynotes, and DVDs that turn interaction obstacles into interpersonal success for collaboration, teamwork, customer service, and leading change. See this site for workshop outlines and customer results. Fill the gaps of diversity with business wins!

Customer Service, What You Picture, You Create

Working on the front lines of customer service can be wonderful or terrible. It depends on your mindset – on what you picture — not on the customer. Surprised?

It’s actually good news. What happens when you interact with others is not completely random. Success is within your grasp because what you picture, you create!

It’s not voodoo. It simply that what you picture or think about, you focus on, say, and do.

Customer Service: If you picture it, you create it.

Customer service starts with picturing that you can make a positive difference.

If instead you picture difficulty or conflict, you will focus on being right, being heard, and being in control. All of this creates the difficulty you pictured at the start.


The Story

I walked into the airport luggage service office when I arrived at my destination and my luggage didn’t. As the line inched forward toward the service rep behind the computer, I noticed that each person leaving the office was surprisingly calm.

When I reached the service rep, he handled my problem with empathy, accuracy, and calm confidence. Before I left the room, I said to him: “I teach customer service to large corporations and reps tell me how stressed out they are. How do you stay so positive with so many people in here complaining?”

He replied: “Kate, if they’re smiling when they come in here … they’re in the wrong room!”

He understood what people would naturally feel and he became the picture of a man making a difference.

    Picture the positive and you reduce your fear. Result: Increased listening that guides the interaction to success.

    Picture the positive and you feel influential with no need to control others. Result: A collaborative success instead of a target shoot.

    Picture the positive and you project empathy and connect sincerely. Result: You make a difference and that is great customer service.



One informed rep with a positive attitude and one customer-friendly policy of delivering luggage created a positive customer experience instead of a social media rant.

What you picture you create!

What will you and your teams picture before you all start work tomorrow? I hope that it’s caring for customers and making a difference.

Yours in service,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach


Related post: Customer Service, Key Link in the Chain not Life in Chains

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach, delivers workshops, keynotes, and consultations that inspire the ultimate interaction with customers. Leaders have been booking Kate to bring both her customer service experience and intuition to their success — repeatedly. See this site for customer results and book Kate now.

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