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As The People-Skills Coach™ , I often teach others how to deal with people’s anger in the workplace. Does your boss yell sometimes? Has a team member suddenly become edgy with you? Has a customer surprised you with a yell?

If you prefer that everyone calmly communicate and never yell, you need this professional people-skill to find nirvana:

Hear the urgency before the yell.

Quite often when the boss, a teammate, or a customer yells, you have missed the urgency they were communicating before the yell.

Common leadership and teamwork beliefs encourage open honest communication without anger or yelling. Yet this requires something of both the speaker and the listener.

In the face of urgency and a listener who doesn’t hear it, it is likely someone will resort to a yell. I am not speaking about people who yell all the time. I am referring to people who suddenly yell after calmly communicating.


Do You Hear Urgency in Their Calm — Before the Yell?
If not, here are 5 ways to spot urgency and develop this professional listening skill.

1. Find urgency in the bigger picture. I was teaching a public class. The banquet room was to be setup by 7:30am so I could prepare before greeting the students. I walked in to see a room configured incorrectly and no flip charts. I calmly spoke with the hotel rep about the timeframe and ten minutes later — no change. I then said, “Fix this now!”. He quipped, “that’s good, you woke me up” and quickly fixed the problem. To him, my initial calm voice meant it wasn’t urgent. Had he looked at the bigger picture of my needing to get ready before people arrived, he would have heard the urgency in the calm.




2. Find urgency in the need to be acknowledged. Urgency is not always a deadline for action. Often people’s urgency resides in their need to be heard. Paraphrase (not parrot) what they have said. Tell them that you hear what they are saying. This simple technique prevents the yell.




3. Hear urgency in repetition. When they calmly say the same thing twice, hear their urgency and acknowledge it — before the yell.




4. Urgency lives in their lack of knowledge. Your expertise blinds you to their urgency. As they speak and your knowledge is calmly telling you “no problem”, speak up. Communicate solutions. Else get ready for a yell.




5. Hear urgency in the painful past or impending future. Many times people’s urgency comes from previous negative experiences that caused them pain or something they are anticipating. Ask great questions while people are calm to uncover their concerns — before the yell.

Bonus Tip: The more you know about people, the easier it is to prevent the yell. You learn their pet peeves, their personality types, their fears and goals, their frustrations, and how best to respond before the yell.

If you believe that people-skills and relationships are fluff, don’t expect to reach the nirvana of calm communication. It comes from knowing people!

What makes you want to yell?

What have surprising yells taught you that you can share with all of us here at Smart SenseAbilities™?

From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™™


Related Post: Why Executives Get Impatient With You

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results.

Customer care (customer service, help desks, technical support, contact call center) reps,  sometimes struggle with showing empathy to angry customers. Heck, some struggle with showing empathy to any customer!

Throughout 20 years of inspiring and training professionals to understand the customer’s perspective and empathize to build customer loyalty, I have seen some who are naturally good at it, some who learn it, and others who struggle with it.

Most puzzling to me have been those whom I have seen empathizing with customers — except with angry or irate customers. If you or your customer care reps find it difficult to empathize with customers — especially angry or irate customers — is fear of emotion part of the reason?  I believe that it could be. I have met professionals (many not even in customer care) who are afraid to empathize with a colleague, a customer, or even a boss. They have said to me, “What if the person gets more emotional when I empathize?”

Moreover, recent research has taken on the subject of negative emotions and empathy. In one such study, subjects empathized more with those who showed fear than with those who showed anger. Turning Bad Emotions Into Empathy and ProSocial Behavior post reports: “While there is a huge range of human emotion, recent studies have suggested that a fearful facial expression is a more salient elicitor of prosocial behavior than are other facial expressions, such as surprise or anger.”

Are you more likely to show empathy to a customer who shows you their fear — credit card problems or serious technical difficulties or critical health issues — rather than their anger? Is it because their fear doesn’t frighten you but their anger does?

The issue is critical in customer service, technical support, and customer care because it affects customer satisfaction and customer loyalty. Showing empathy to customers, angry or not, builds bonds to your product, service, and brand.

Lose the fear of the customer’s anger to build your empathy skills. Here is a post to help you do exactly that Two Mindsets to Show Empathy for Irate Customers.

What else do you think blocks people’s ability to show empathy? I welcome your comments below.

©2010 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach, has a Masters in Organizational Psychology and a natural intuition about people. She delivers highly interactive workshops, info-packed webinars, and distance learning DVDs on this and many customer service topics including customer care in technical support.

In a recent post on Bury These Phrases for the Best Teamwork, I buried the phrase “I am sorry you feel that way …”. It is a masquerade of an apology that scars team relationships.

One visitor to my blog, asked me if it was acceptable, however, to say that to an irate, angry, or upset customer? She went on to say that in several training workshops on how to handle irate or angry customers, they teach this and actually require the CSRs to say it. “So that you do not need to verbalize an apology, use I am sorry you feel that way to diffuse the emotion and move on to solving the issue at hand.”

This is an abomination. Irate customers are adults who have lost trust and that is where the emotion begins. They want to be heard. The worst thing you can do is dance around and try to avoid responsibility.

I have been teaching how to handle irate customers for 20+ years and cringe at the thought of anyone teaching dedicated CSRs or technical support reps to say I am sorry you feel that way.

It is as bad as calm down and relax. In essence you are telling the customer that their emotion is unacceptable and that you are not responsible.

Let the irate, angry or upset customers vent their frustrations verbally. When they come up for air, there are several statements you can use one of which is a true apology for their experience. Yet if your company truly wants to avoid an apology (why I do not know), at least validate the irate customer’s emotion with something like “Clearly we have upset you. Let’s fix this now…” or “I hear your frustration and I am here to fix it.”

If you want customer loyalty, use “Clearly we have upset you and we are sorry. I am here to resolve the issues.” Stay away from “I understand”. Irate and angry customers are speaking from emotion. Most interpret “I understand” to mean “I understand your pain” which you don’t — and they yell that back at you.

What do you think? When you are the irate or angry customer, would you want someone to say to you “I am sorry you feel that way …”?

By the way, if you want more information on how to stay positive and objective with an irate or angry customer, here are two posts with key images: The Best Mindset and Training to Deal with Irate Customers and 5 Things to Think with Thorny Customers.

©2010 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach, delivers top notch workshops on customer service and teamwork people-skills for transformational results. See the workshop outlines on this site.

20 Comments »

The best customer service representative (CSR) training on dealing with and handling an irate customer tells you to not take it personally and suggests appropriate things to say to calm the customer. Yet in the 20 years I have been teaching how to handle an irate customer, the most frequent question CSRs and technical support reps ask me is how to stay objective and not take it personally.

Message to Each CSR: Choose either mindset that makes the most sense to you. Use it and you will stay objective. You can use both. I use #1 every time and add more of #2 when I feel my objectivity slipping.

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1. Don’t seize control! A car stops when the driver applies the brakes, or hits an obstacle, or runs out of gas. You are not driving the car. The customer is driving. If you reach over and try to apply the brakes, the customer will most likely fight back. It’s hard to stay objective when you are in a fight. If you start talking right away, you become the obstacle and the crash leaves dents/scars on you and them. Again, it will be tough to stay objective when you are scarred. If you let the driver and the car run out of gas, you stay objective and ready to help. The driver asks for help when the car can no longer run. Caution: This is not a comic moment. Do not say, “I’ll just wait for you to run out of gas and then you will listen to me.” This is a mindset not something you say.




2. Yours is to Heal! The next time a customer is yelling, picture this: You see a stranger in a restaurant fall and get hurt. S/he is lying on the floor right next to your table yelling in pain. Would you think they were yelling about you and get upset with them? Probably not. It’s the same with your customer. Like a medical professional or a para-medic — yours is to heal.

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A Broken Trust. Irate customers feel they have been wronged. Your company has lost their trust. They want you to know that they have a right to be upset. If you speak too soon, they think you are telling them they are wrong.  Let them have their say. As much as you do not like to hear irate customers, it is a sign that they are still interested in your company. Else they would simply walk away forever and tell everyone they know!

When they are done with the emotion, your empathy and action will resolve the issue. When you do this service recovery well, you may actually turn this irate customer into a loyal customer. It’s possible!

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I look forward to further developing your team’s customer service skills with these workshops: Delivering the Ultimate Customer Experience. The workshops are very participative, high energy, fun, and info-packed.

Take a look this footage on adapting to personality types for a little taste of the fun: Spot and Adapt to Each Customer’s Personality Type.

Yours in service,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach

©2010-2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach, brings passion, intuition, and 20 years of experience to teaching business leaders, owners, and team members how to reach the heights of service for customer relations and business profits. See this site for workshop outlines and DVD footage.

I received an ad in my email box for a customer service training video.  Even after 20 years of teaching customer service, I still learn new things.  So I took a quick look at the sample footage.  What I saw was fake, neutral, and difficult for the customer.

They advise you to give an irate customer something specific - like a  form to fill out!  Tell an irate customer to fill out a form?  If you were the irate customer, how would you respond? I laughed so hard at this video I could barely find the esc key to stop the footage.  And this training video is for sale!

Now that I have stopped laughing, I deal you the ACE for top notch customer service: ACE – authentic, committed, and easy.

Authentic.  Customers want you to sincerely care.  Sincere caring shows in your authenticity.  This is why I rail against call center scripts.  Scripts sound company-focused not customer-focused.    Authenticity shines through when you paraphrase the customer’s request, use a tone of voice that reflects interest not script reading, and validate the customer’s situation including his/her emotion.  If you are face-to-face with the customer, then your body language as well as your courteous words also reveal your level of authentic caring.

To come across as authentic and caring, it helps to first be able to read the customer’s needs.  

Action steps: Take this well-known EQ (empathy quotient) test online free of charge to assess your ability to read others: http://glennrowe.net/BaronCohen/EmpathyQuotient/EmpathyQuotient.aspx.  I was thrilled with my very high score.  Can you imagine The People-Skills Coach scoring low on EQ?

If you want to test your ability to read others’ authenticity, here is a twenty question quiz based on the work of Dr. Paul Eckman: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/smiles/index.shtml

Committed.  On one of my many trips, I was driving to a smaller city.  I had a terrible headache and no medication.  I spotted a large mall and went in to buy some Tylenol.  Thankfully the first thing I saw was an information booth.  So I asked the young woman, “Where is the closest drug store in this mall?  I have a terrible headache and have never been here.”  Her answer in a flat voice was: “I don’t know (IDK).”

My unspoken reaction was “Then why are you in the booth? Get out of the booth!”  Even if it was her first day, she could make an authentic attempt to help. Customers judge your commitment from your “first” –  first greeting, first response, first facial expression, first tone of voice, first attempt. 

Long pauses, IDKs, blank stares, attention to other people/things show lack of commitment – i.e. not caring.  What would you add to this list as signs of non-commitment?  I would love your comments below.

Easy.  Although customers’ expectations vary, there is one thing every customer celebrates – an easy experience.

Here are 5 things you can do to make it easy for your customer:

• Listen and speak from his/her perspective. http://tinyurl.com/cjbdhl 
• Quickly paraphrase his/her request and take action.
• If you don’t know the answer, find the answer.
• Use words that focus forward not back.
• Spot his/her personality type and treat them that way. http://tinyurl.com/ddfhgq

I would love your comments and insights below.  You are welcome to share the info in this article with others if you will credit me and the URL as the source.

These stories and tips are just a small sample of what I deliver in my sessions on customer service.   Tap me to speak at your next customer service event or for training to ACE every customer service moment. 

From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.