Have people at work or home ever told you that you are so caring? That you always know how to make them feel better? Those who get this positive feedback understand one thing – people define caring differently.
If you hear the reverse — that you don’t seem very caring when they feel bad — you may want to scream out, “Tell me what you want. I’m not a mind reader!”
When people are lonely, upset, demoralized, angry, or hurt, they want care. Yet what type? Most care is desired yet unrequested and confusion sets in for those around them.
12 Most Desired Unrequested Forms of Care Image by:unloveablesteve
Fear not. I am hear to clear up the confusion. As The People-Skills Coach™, I teach corporate teams how to interact more successfully during tough times. They tell me that they use the information in their everyday lives as well.
From this encouragement, came the idea for this post — the 12 most desired yet unrequested forms of care. With this information, you can increase your emotional intelligence and connect better with others when they are feeling bad.
1.Quiet Listening.
If you have ever given your opinion to upset team members or loved ones and they snapped at you, you have learned that quiet listening is their unrequested desire. Their questions are not questions and they feel better just knowing that someone else has heard their pain.
2.Empathy.
One of the most common desires for care is empathy — the sense that someone else truly knows how they feel. Empathy gives those in pain a needed boost to work through their struggle.
3.Validation.
These people want to know you agree with them. Quiet listening falls far short and can enrage those seeking reinforcement of what they feel. If you truly disagree, do not tell them while they are upset. They won’t hear you and you will seem like an uncaring fool.
4.Support.
By the time most loved ones say they want support, you have let them down. Those who want support yet don’t request it up front, are requesting in their actions when they support you. Many of them find it distasteful to have to ask for it verbally. They believe their supportive actions speak volumes and they don’t understand why you haven’t heard them. Listen to their actions when they help you and follow suit when they are in pain.
5.Encouragement.
Friends turn to other friends when they want encouragement — especially if their family has not learned to encourage even when they have doubts. When they want to ditch the conventional and try something new, they want you to encourage them beyond the fear and doubt.
6.Devil’s Advocate or Tough Love.
Be careful of this one. Ask permission first.
A Short Story: A college friend and I are quite different when it comes to dating. She is more willing to give men the benefit of the doubt. She had been through two relationships where men treated her badly and both ended in break-ups. On the third time around in a bad relationship, she asked me what she should do. Surprised that she would ask me, I said to her “Are you sure you want my opinion?” She replied with an odd chuckle: “Yes, I am asking you because I know you’ll tell me to drop the bum.”
7.Knowledge.
There are people who find knowledge a great comfort. They don’t want your opinion they want your knowledge. Perhaps you have been through a similar situation and they want to hear options they haven’t considered. Perhaps you have professional training they want to tap. Give them your knowledge not your advice.
8.Insight.
Team members and friends that want insight will show both vulnerability and strength. They are starting to move beyond the pain and want you to help them to think it through. They want more than knowledge and less than a solution. A combination of “maybe statements” and questions are the dynamic duo here.
9.Solutions.
Are you jumping for joy now that we have reached this one? Many people, when they hear others’ pain want to offer a solution. They convince themselves that it is logical. The sooner the solution, the quicker the pain goes away. Unfortunately, to someone not ready for a solution –the “get over it quick” approach seems brutishly insensitive. Go back to empathy and validation before you offer a solution.
10.Strength.
When loved ones are scared and in pain, strength may be the greatest care possible. Strength reduces the fear. It gives them a sense of control and empowers them to deal with the pain. Offer your strength without judging. Judging makes them feel weaker. Strength makes them feel stronger.
11.Momentum.
If you are known as action-oriented, colleagues and friends may come to you to help them move forward. This may be the toughest form of unrequested care to give. It takes practice to spot how fast they are ready to move. You may trip if you push them to quickly. Yet you won’t crash and burn if you are not judgmental. Admit your misstep — don’t tell them they are dragging their heals.
12.Outrage.
Perhaps the easiest to see is the desire for outrage. When loved one or friends express their outrage over being wronged, it is a safe bet that eventually they want to hear “You deserve to be treated better.” You don’t have to bad mouth whoever wronged them just show outrage over what was done to them.
Of these 12 desired yet unrequested forms of care, which one do you most often want? If your answer is “it depends”, then you understand why others have varying needs. If you always want the same thing, remember that not everyone is like you.
The biggest mistake you can make is to treat others they way you want to be treated. You must treat them the way they want to be treated.
If you care enough to learn how to care their way, you will succeed. Learn from one instance to the next how to give your professional colleagues, friends and loved ones the care they desire yet don’t always request.
From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™
©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.
Related post: 5 Best Emotionally Intelligent Customer Service Thoughts
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, inspires and trains corporate teams, customer care professionals, call center agents, and technical support teams in the
greatest people-skills and emotional intelligence for customer service and teamwork. She combines her natural intuition about people (her human GPS), a Masters degree in Organizational Psychology, and 20 years of gritty real life experience to develop your
emotional intelligence.
