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Leaders, unchecked passive aggressive behavior in the workplace impacts the dynamics and potential success of teams. Those affected feel used, manipulated, and disrespected.

Passive aggressive is less direct not less aggressive.

It is just as hostile as straight out aggression and can obstruct both morale and results. It erodes a key component of teamwork and engagement — trust.

It can disengage employees from each other IF we allow it. How do we become accomplices to passive aggressive team members?

Leaders, Are You an Accomplice To Passive Aggressive Team Members Image by:korafotomorgana

The Pattern

Spot the pattern of passive aggressive behavior in order to eliminate its ruinous effect on your team’s success.

Passive aggressive team members will:

1. Interrupt another team member who is speaking to us with a quick “sorry” yet no real acknowledgment of the other person’s presence. Or they will smile and say to the other person “You don’t mind do you?” They cover lack of manners with fake manners.
2. Restate exactly what another team member just said as if it’s their own idea.
3. Use subtle sarcasm against another team member and call it humor.
4. Intellectualize instead of apologize. When faced with evidence of their bad behavior, they are known to say “I wonder why I did that?” instead of “I am terribly sorry.” Or they repeat their bad behavior even with apologies.
5. Use neutral statements instead of true empathy. Effective team members support each other. Passive aggressive team members appear to support others. Facing a distraught team member, a passive aggressive would say something like “Yes, it is difficult, isn’t it?” A supportive team member would more likely say, “How can I help? Let’s look at it and find a solution.”
6. Hold others to a very high standard of behavior and call them on it publicly. “Well you wouldn’t want to be known as the one who didn’t help out, would you?”
7. Use apparently logical reasons to undermine others’ success — and then ask them if they mind. Example: As requested, a team member prepared a presentation for the next team meeting on a technology they were developing for all to use. The passive aggressive team member monopolized the meeting with discussion and at the end of the meeting said: Oh we won’t have time for your presentation today. Does it bother you?”

The Impact

Mistrust, anger, resentment, and disengagement are the most damaging impacts of passive aggressive behavior on the organization and its results. If we as leaders do nothing to prevent it or cure it, team members begin to mistrust us as well.

Strong driver type leaders become an accomplice to this behavior with their sole focus on results. They dismiss outcries of passive aggressive behavior with: “Just focus on the work.”

High amiable type leaders, who love harmony in relationships, often dismiss passive aggressive “Oh they didn’t mean anything by it.” They are now accomplice to this damaging behavior.

Strong analytic leaders may overlook the passive aggressive behavior claiming they don’t have enough data to prove it’s happening. They become accomplices through the misnomer that if you can’t measure it, it doesn’t exist. A ridiculous tenet.

High expressive leaders are so connected into the exchange of information they become accomplices by not seeing the manner of expression.

The Solution

1. Check our own behavior. Ensure that you are not passive aggressive. Team members model the leader.
2. Ask yourself, am I afraid of conflict? That doesn’t mean that you are passive aggressive yet you are at a high risk of not addressing it. Get coaching on overcoming your fear of conflict and you become a far better leader!
3. Have the entire team develop a list of high performance team member behaviors. Clear expectations of behavior are one way to develop a culture of positive interaction and give everyone a mechanism for discussing negative behaviors.
4. Provide training on how to disagree without being disagreeable. A team’s diverse opinions are its strength. The way they communicate is its lifeblood.
5. Illustrate the difference between diplomacy and passive aggressive. Passive aggressives often mislabel their subtle behavior as tact when in truth it’s venom.
6. Be willing to spot and address the behavior even in a top performer. Singular results only contribute a portion of success. Behavior impacts morale with accounts for much of success.
7. Teach and use engaging meeting management techniques. Stop bad behavior in it’s tracks so all will fully engage as they feel valued and respected.
8. Watch for and dismantle cliques. Not all cliques are passive aggressive. Yet many of them are and in any case are harmful to a positive team culture.

As leaders we have an organizational responsibility to engage team members for positive morale and highest quality results.

We also have an ethical responsibility to create a non-hostile environment where all receive basic respect and an opportunity to fully contribute.

Passive aggressive behavior is a virus that can infect the team and kill results. Let’s prevent it or at least be the cure.

Related Post: Leaders, A Pain Free Journey to Employee Accountability

©2012 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please first email info@katenasser.com for terms of use. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Harvard Business Review recently featured The No Whining Rule for Managers by Ron Ashkenas. His main point about accountability and focusing on solutions is rock solid.  The question is how to get people to do that.

One of his client’s, a high level leader, resorted to a no whining sign. Be careful of this approach. It is not just a catchy slogan. It is a demeaning and dangerous approach to leadership people-skills that can infect your organization and spread like antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

Leaders, Replace the No Whining Sign Image by: DBDuo Photography, Creative Commons License

Her outlook is that employees are adults, not children – so she tells them to stop acting like children (i.e. no whining).

But you  show your immaturity as a leader by trying to ban behavior that is not based in laziness but in real barriers to adult communication (silos, titles etc…).

She assumes they know or should know what she wants.  Don’t assume.  As Doug Conant,  former CEO of Campbell’s Soup, advises “Declare yourself. Then walk the talk.

If you want your direct reports to engage in substantive problem solving communication, then, as a leader, show them by doing it yourself.

The phrase, stop whining is a whine! It is a complaint about what you don’t like — poorly disguised as an order.


“Leadership is about being effective in the moment with others.” ~Doug Conant, former CEO Campbell’s Soup.

Leaders, Replace the No Whining Sign!
Model the Positive to Eliminate the Negative

• Model and model and model.
  The best way to teach actionable behavior is to do it!  If someone dumps a problem in your lap without any suggestions, ask them for their ideas.  If they launch into complaints, ask them how to overcome those barriers. Don’t yield. Model.

  Skip the labels.  Labels demean.  Stop whining may shame people into a short term behavior change yet it won’t breed positive can-do attitudes or develop a high performance organization.  It simply breeds compliance to a commandant leader’s orders — when the leader is around.

  It also breeds communication avoidance in those who don’t know how to break through barriers but don’t want to be demeaned.  Avoidance reduces productivity – the exact opposite of accountability and performance.  I have seen it repeatedly in response to leaders whose favorite phrases begin with the word stop or no.

  Even with children, you see quicker success when you show them what you want them to do vs. what you don’t want them to do.




• Create a culture of positive action by showing managers how well it works.
  How leaders treat their managers is how the managers treat the staff.  If you want the whole organization to replace complaining with problem solving and innovating, replace the no whining sign with your non-whining communication.  They will then model it with their direct reports.

  Do you really want an entire organization issuing stop orders? Or would you prefer they engage in behaviors that create success?




• Free yourself from the trap of the should.
  The danger of assuming is common knowledge.  When leaders hear themselves saying, “we assume the employees have good skills“, they stop themselves and finish with, “yet it’s dangerous to assume. Let’s handle it.”

  Leaders are not so commonly aware of the trap of the should.  “These are high level managers. They should already have good skills.“   This thinking is a trap.  It makes leaders replace the reality (lack of skills) with another label for the behavior (e.g. childlike, lazy, whiner).

  Reality: Many managers are promoted by being good staff members.  They were highly responsible for their own work.  They weren’t facilitating solutions across organizational boundaries. Unless you witnessed stellar management skills in them when they were staff members that suddenly disappeared when they became managers, the issue is skill level.

  As managers, they are apprentices who can shine in the new skills with great coaching and mentoring. If you believe or have evidence they are not capable of improving, then courageously find the right people for these management positions.

  So free yourself from the trap of the should.  It takes your eye off the real target — instilling more successful behavior and better performance.

I welcome your questions on how to turn interaction obstacles into (non-whining) successful business behavior.

From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

Related Post: Leaders, Here’s the Pain Free Way to Engage Employee Accountability

©2012 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please first email info@katenasser.com for terms of use. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Starting a company? Looking for a job? Attempting to sell your house? Trying to change careers? Get noticed by being different but …

to achieve success — be memorable.

Memorable is not just what makes you different.  Memorable connects you with others in ways that matter to them.

Success in Two Words - Be Memorable.

Memorable affects others.

Memorable creates a story.

Memorable builds a trust.

Memorable sparks an insight.

Memorable fosters respect.

Memorable eliminates doubt.

Memorable comes back to you.

Memorable keeps you present.

Memorable changes their reality.

Memorable reflects value.

Memorable brings you into their future.

Be Memorable!

Do you have noticeably good planning skills? Add and use foresight to be memorable. Prevent a problem on a project or discover and open an opportunity for your customer, your boss or your organization. Outstanding skills get you noticed. Using them to help others makes you memorable.


Are you a remarkably fast learner? Your boss can hand you anything new and you can do it? That’s good. Learn before the skill is needed and you increase your value. Start today to be memorable tomorrow.


Do you have a special talent for teamwork? Worthwhile in today’s collaborative workplace. Excel at it during times of stress, low morale, or critical change and you will be memorable to every leader.


Are you a people person? Sales or customer service is your sweet spot? Certainly a plus. To be memorable, deliver wonderful service recovery with urgency. Offer customers compensation even for the smallest inconvenience. It builds phenomenal trust and reaps gratitude. You will be memorable!

Kick Start Your Success
The suggestions above are just a few examples. Try these questions to discover how you can be memorable:

1. What three things do most people notice about you? Why? The answer will uncover ways for you to be memorable.
2. What is one strength that people don’t notice in you? Start using it in ways that matter to others.
3. What are two areas in your work or personal life where you see a need, a void, pain, fear, or doubt in others?. Fill the need/void or remove the pain, fear, or doubt. You will be memorable.

How have you been memorable in your work or personal life? Please share your story in the comments section below to inspire others.

To our continued mutual growth,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach


©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

There are many articles and quotes on what successful people do differently from other people. Answers range from they develop good habits to they do things that others won’t. To this list, I add:

Successful people see opportunity in the gray zone and convert it to black and white results.

See Opportunity in Grey Image Via:FreeFoto

1. See new opportunity in the gray zone of uncertainty, chaos, unmet needs, disappointment, and doubt.
2. Ask great questions to turn gray confusion into clarity.
3. Move toward results.
4. Avoid binary (black and white) thinking along the way. They think in shades of color and varying perspectives. They don’t think win/lose — they think win.

To do this, successful people spot fatal binary thinking before it takes hold and convert it to a win for themselves and others. How good are you at it or do you often see each situation as either/or.

Consider these successes: Teammates with different views who avoid either/or positions find other, possibly more valuable, solutions. Innovators turn traditional wisdom upside down and view problems from different angles. Customer service reps dealing with angry customers shine when they can see ways to meet the customers’ needs and companies’ needs at the same time. Leaders who explore the perspectives of their team members, without worrying it will lead to chaos, often discover better approaches.

Binary thinking makes many people feel safe, secure, and in control. Yet a short trip to the gray zone of ideas provides you with far more security because a better — previously unforeseen — solution may emerge. Then convert it to black/white results.

What successes have you had from exploring the gray zone and converting ideas to black/white results?