The Negative Side to Being Positive

Jul 5th, 2009 by Kate Nasser

Flickr: HugoVK

Is your positive attitude helping yourself and others? Or are you so extremely positive that you drive others crazy? Science Daily (July 3, 2009) published an article on the research of Dr. Joanne Wood and Dr. John Lee with interesting results about positive self-affirmations. The results showed that some people do better when they are allowed to verbalize both the negative and the positive. (See link below.)

This makes me wonder what effect extremely positive people have on others who see life as positive & negative or as primarily negative. There are many who want to spread their positivism to help others live a much better life. Yet it seems to me that if extremely positive people don’t account for others’ needs, their positivism can backfire. They can come across as patronizing, controlling, and, oddly enough, insensitive.

I have a positive view of life and see life’s challenges straight ahead of me. I take action to create a good life and learn from my experiences — both good and bad However, I meet others who see the negatives more than the positives. They live differently and I respect their choices. Some have told me they were inspired by my positive outlook and actions. Others go their own way. I have also met people who try to convert me to their positivism before seeing how positive I already am! This turns me off to what they have to offer.

So here are three steps to prevent positivism from being patronizing, controlling, and insensitive in everyday life. [NOTE: In organizations and teams, positive can-do attitudes and positive disagreements are essential to meeting goals. Too much negativity can slow momentum and derail end results.]

1.Coach only when asked. In everyday life, don’t elect yourself someone else’s life coach. Even positive words like “I would like to encourage you to …” are somewhat arrogant if the person didn’t ask for your help. Live and enjoy your own positivism but don’t declare yourself Prince of PositiveLand and issue decrees. You may become known as a royal pain in the a_ _.

2. Listen in the moment and understand others’ perspectives. Listening builds trust through respect. Extremely positive people are sometimes so busy encouraging others to be positive they don’t stop and listen to the moment others are in. Everyone in this life is on a journey and they travel at different speeds. Some get to positivism faster than others. Some don’t even want to go there. Exception: If you are a leading an organization through change and a true resistor is slowing the pace with mega-negativity, you will need to address that very clearly to ensure the momentum of change.

3.Disagree honestly and with respect. Become comfortable with honest respectful disagreement. People disagree in life. Working through disagreements often delivers great results. Yet sometimes extremely positive people patronize during a disagreement because they seek immediate harmony. Disagreement can be a positive if it is respectful.

Live positively and let others see your positive outlook and actions. Be careful of pushing them to be positive — you could create the opposite effect.

I welcome your additions to this list and your other relevant comments below. Here is the link to the Science Daily article mentioned above: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/07/090702110503.htm

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach

MA Organizational Psychology

Tags: attitude, coach, disagree, extremely, listening, negative, people, positive, respect

Posted in Coaching Professional, Listening Power, People-Skills

13 Responses to “The Negative Side to Being Positive.”

on 05 Jul 2009 at 6:58 pm1Joe Williams

Fabulous post, Kate. Since I share your positive outlook on the world, I read your words very carefully. I concur with all three of your steps. In particular, for #1 I approach with this question for the recipient: “I have some feedback for you-would you like to receive it?” If the person says no, I don’t share it at that time and wait for another opportunity when I get a “Yes.”
on 06 Jul 2009 at 8:26 am2Pattie Roberts

Very interesting twist on positivity, Kate. I agree with your steps, and would say that following them with an open mind and heart can have a “passively positive” effect. Nobody wants to be “herded,” even if such herding can improve the quality of their lives. As you say, people choose how to live, and there is nothing more important than respecting the right to choose. So I would add that passive positivity (e.g., “Happy Monday!”; “Cute purse!”; “Let me get that door for you”) that doesn’t challenge a person’s choices, but that also allows me to be who I am in everyday life, could be helpful.

There’s a yin and yang to everything, no?

Happy Monday to all!
on 06 Jul 2009 at 9:16 am3Kate Nasser

Joe & Pattie — Spot on!
on 06 Jul 2009 at 9:19 am4julie

Kate, this is a great post. I’m also a positive person, but I like to think of myself as a positive realist. I believe in facing reality squarely while choosing to enjoy what I can in any situation.

But positive attitude cannot be pushed on others. You’re right, it often backfires. I think we just have to lead by example.

Thanks for this post.
on 06 Jul 2009 at 9:30 am5Kate Nasser

From Marleen G. (with her permission)
Go Kate! I love this. No one is positive all the time but some people pretend to be. I like to make lemonade out of life’s lemons, but I would not be honest if I said I was always positive. However, I try not to be too negative and try to turn my negative thoughts into a positive solutions when I can.
on 06 Jul 2009 at 12:28 pm6Steve Williamson

Another excellent article Kate. Those three tools, when used correctly, create some interesting conversations and great relationships.
Thanks,
Steve
on 06 Jul 2009 at 5:34 pm7Jyotsna Nath

Hello Kate, I agree with your thoughts on being positive and over positive. Sometimes a lot of us tend to go far from reality and rationale trying to stay or look positive. That does not mean that I’m always very rational but I try to stay positive without disregarding the limitations or challenges involved.
on 07 Jul 2009 at 6:19 am8Larry Bradley

Wonderful article and right to the point. Firm believer in leading by example not by “herding” anyone along the path.
on 07 Jul 2009 at 7:13 am9Michael Winwood

Being positive and offering challenge are two distinct aspects of how we might work with and nurture people we care about or are wanting to motivate. My experience tells me to keep them both apparent and real along with empathy and appreciation.
Michael
on 07 Jul 2009 at 7:21 am10Kate Nasser

From Brian Curry (Used with his permission)
Hi Kate,
There’s a lot of truth in this article, and yes, it can become patronizing. I just switch off.
Regards,
Brian
on 07 Jul 2009 at 9:13 am11Kelly Gabel

Great article, Kate. Everything you noted was right on the mark. Well done!
Kelly L. Gabel, M.Acc, CPA
Manager, HR/Marketing
Amper, Politziner & Mattia, LLP
on 10 Jul 2009 at 4:47 pm12Lynn Marie Caissie

Kate,

I always knew this, but hadn’t ever found a way to put it in words. I appreciate very much that you did. 3 steps for building trust through respect – simple and straightforward. Perfect.

I am in transition, and have been so for about a year. I am unflaggingly positive: there’s something to grasp and learn at every turn. I’m not sure the hordes of others in transition with me are so willing to embrace this as an opportunity. I’ve learned that being personally positive is an inspiration to them, but they have to work through their stuff on their own. The only other helpful thing I can do is acknowledge where they’re at and give them some space to express their discouragement.
on 12 Jul 2009 at 3:01 pm13Kate Nasser

Lynne,
I am glad you find the 3 steps helpful. Also, I love your phrase – “give them some space to express their discouragement.” Perfect.
Thanks for contributing to this post.
Best,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach