The 12 Most Desired Yet Unrequested Forms of Care | #Leadership
by Kate Nasser |
Leaders, have employees ever told you that you are very caring? That you always know how to connect in the right way? Leaders who get this positive feedback understand one thing – people define caring differently.
Or do you hear the reverse? Do they say that you seem insensitive to other’s needs — that you have no heart. You may want to scream out, “Tell me what you want. I’m not a mind reader!”
Most care is desired yet unrequested. When people are lonely, upset, demoralized, disengaged, angry, or hurt, they most likely want one of the following twelve forms of care.
As The People Skills Coach™, I teach corporate teams how to interact more successfully during tough times. These folks tell me that they use the following information in their everyday lives as well. You can increase your emotional intelligence and connect better with others when they are feeling bad.
If you have ever given your opinion to upset team members or loved ones and they snapped at you, you have learned that quiet listening is what they want. Their questions are not questions requiring an answer. They feel better just knowing that someone else has heard their pain.
One of the most common desires for care is empathy — the sense that someone else truly knows how they feel. Empathy gives those in pain a needed boost to work through their struggle.
These people want to know you agree with them. Quiet listening falls far short and can enrage those seeking reinforcement of what they feel. If you truly disagree, do not tell them while they are upset. They won’t hear you and you will seem like an uncaring fool.
By the time most people say they want support, you have let them down. Those who want support but don’t request it up front, are requesting it in the care they give you when they support you. They find it distasteful to have to ask for it out loud. They believe their supportive actions speak volumes. They don’t understand why you haven’t heard them. Listen to their actions when they help you and show them care when they are having tough times.
People turn to others when they want encouragement — especially if their family has not learned to encourage them. When they want to take a risk and try something new, they want you to encourage them beyond the fear and doubt.
6.Devil’s Advocate or Tough Love.
Be careful of this one. Ask permission first. If this isn’t what they want, assuming this is what people want can make you seem like an insensitive oaf.
A Short Story: A college friend and I are quite different when it comes to dating. She is more willing to give men the benefit of the doubt. She had been through two relationships where men treated her badly and both ended in break-ups. On the third time around in a bad relationship, she asked me what she should do. Surprised that she would ask me, I said to her “Are you sure you want my opinion?” She chuckled and said, “Yes, I am asking you because I know you’ll tell me to drop the bum.”
There are people who find knowledge a great comfort. They don’t want your opinion they want your knowledge. Perhaps you have been through a similar situation and they want to hear options they haven’t considered. Perhaps you have professional training they want to tap. Give them your knowledge not your advice.
Team members and friends that want insight will show both vulnerability and strength. They are starting to move beyond the pain and want you to help them to think it through. They want more than knowledge and less than a solution. A combination of “maybe statements” and questions are the dynamic duo here.
Are you jumping for joy now that we have reached this one? Many people, when they hear other’s pain want to offer a solution. They convince themselves that it is logical. The sooner the solution, the quicker the pain goes away. Unfortunately, to someone not ready for a solution –the “get over it quick” approach seems brutishly insensitive. In this case, go back to empathy and validation before you offer a solution.
When people are scared and in pain, strength may be the greatest care possible. Strength reduces the fear. It gives them a sense of control and empowers them to deal with the pain. Offer your strength without judging. Judging makes them feel weaker. Strength makes them feel stronger.
If you are known as action-oriented, colleagues and friends may come to you to help them move forward. Since they don’t ask directly, it takes practice to spot how fast they are ready to move. You may trip if you push them too quickly. If you misstep and push too hard, apologize. Don’t tell them they are dragging their heels.
Perhaps the easiest to see is the desire for outrage. When people express their outrage over being wronged, it is a safe bet that eventually they want to hear “You deserve to be treated better.” You don’t have to bad mouth those who wronged them just show outrage over what was done to them.
Of these 12 desired yet unrequested forms of care, which one do you most often want? If your answer is “it depends”, then you understand why others have varying needs. If you always want the same thing, remember that not everyone is like you.
The biggest mistake you can make is to treat others they way you want to be treated. You must treat them the way they want to be treated.
If you care enough to learn what they want and how to show that care, you will succeed. Learn from one instance to the next. Your emotional intelligence will soar. Your employees, professional colleagues, teammates, friends and loved ones will be impressed and grateful.
From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
©2011-2016 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. I appreciate your sharing the link to this post on your social streams. However, if you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please email firstname.lastname@example.org for permission and guidelines. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™, delivers coaching, consulting, training, and keynotes on leading change, employee engagement, teamwork, and delivering the ultimate customer service. She turns interaction obstacles into interpersonal success. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.
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~Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™