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I will never forget the day that a leader looked right at an employee and said, “I will develop the right feelings in you.” I thought, oh no … take that back right away! Leaders and managers who want to coach their employees don’t tell them what to feel. They inspire a positive attitude through their actions and then coach employee behaviors — not feelings.

Feelings: Leaders & Managers, Don’t Tell Employees What to Feel! Image by cycocurt via Flickr Attribution-NoDerivs License.

by cycocurt via Flickr Attribution-NoDerivs License.

Don’t Tell Employees What Their Feelings Should Be

I have advised many leaders and managers not to shut down employees’ feelings. I still recommend that. Now I also recommend that you don’t tell employees what feelings to have. Leading morale is not about telling people what to feel or think. It is about treating those you lead and manage with dignity and respect. And there is no dignity nor respect in being told what to feel.

So let’s look at how and when you might fall into the trap of dictating what to feel.

When Might You Slip into This Trap?

When you …

• Define leadership and management as directing instead of inspiring and collaborating

• Think employees aren’t contributing to or sacrificing enough for the team results

• See the team as an extension of your children and treat them that way

• Do not know how to coach and lead morale

How Might You Slip Into Telling Employees What Feelings to Have?

By …

1. Saying “that’s the wrong way to think about others.” For example, if you are coaching an employee on dealing with a teammate or a customer, telling them that it’s wrong to think a certain way about someone means you are telling them how to feel. Instead, ask them how they want the interaction to change? Then use the “what if” approach to suggest different actions to take.

2. Addressing a conflict between two team members by saying your feelings won’t get us anywhere. Instead, ask them each what they are feeling. Work through the issues toward a resolution of agreed actions.

3. Panicking when employees are resisting the change you are leading. You may be tempted to say, “Here is what we need you all to think, feel, and do going forward.” Yikes! You can’t force someone to feel a certain way. It is much more productive to engage the team in discussion about the six stages of change. Let them highlight where they are at, what concerns they have, and how they can move forward.

4. Reacting to their criticism of your actions with the retort, “That’s not how to think about what I am doing.” Instead, be grateful for feedback. Either ask for examples to clarify what they are saying or reflect on the comments and speak again in the near future.

5. Demeaning their feelings with snide remarks such as, “Oh, that’s typical of your generation”, or “Just like a woman (or some other category) to get lost in their feelings.” In these moments, you are not leading morale; you are destroying it.”

Summary

Accept that you can’t force people to feel what you want them to feel. Instead, lead morale with your words and actions that afford dignity and respect. Then, engage employees in discussions about how to reach the necessary goals and what you can do to support them in their work.

Related Post:
Honor Employees Feelings to Lead Morale

©2024 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. I appreciate your sharing the link to this post on your social streams. However, if you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please email info@katenasser.com for permission and guidelines. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™, delivers coaching, consulting, training, and keynotes on leading change, employee engagement, teamwork, and delivering the ultimate customer service. She turns interaction obstacles into interpersonal success. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.

Tags: action, behavior change, coaching, dignity, emotional intelligence, employee development, employee experience, Feelings, Leadership Development, leading morale, people skills, professional development, reactions, respect, Teamwork, trust